On February 1, 2013 I got the letter that has changed my life, even just in the one month I've had it. My letter, signed by President Thomas S Monson, told me that I have been called as a representative of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to serve in the THAILAND BANGKOK MISSION!!!! Yeah, crazy, I know. All doubts I had prior to opening this letter were now erased and totally eclipsed with excitement and love for the people of Thailand that I will be so blessed to serve and teach. When I opened my call I felt doubtful and almost apathetic towards it all. I was having a hard time feeling excited about it even though I was sure that this is what I had been guided to do. I didn't have doubts as to whether or not I should go through with it, but just doubts as to whether it was right for me. I had a hard time imagining myself teaching families and wearing a name badge that will mark me for 18 months as a representative of my Savior Jesus Christ. I wasn't nervous or scared, but rather I like to think that I was hopeful. I know that I would not be sent somewhere where I was not needed or even somewhere that was not absolutely perfect for me. As I read the words on the page, I felt an overwhelming sense of my Heavenly Father's love for me. I knew that He loves me more than anything and knows me more than I could ever imagine. I knew in those few seconds that despite my weaknesses and faults I can become what my Heavenly Father would have me become, but of course not without some stretching and discomfort involved. Any thought of going anywhere else in the world to serve my mission completely disappeared and I could only ever see myself serving the beautiful people of Thailand. I know I'm just so fortunate to have been called there and it is without a doubt going to be a dream come true. It is beyond perfect for me and even my family.
Recently a lot of the luster has faded and I've been doing a lot of "soul searching" if you will about why I am doing this. I've become scared about it not being right anymore, and I know there are so many righteous paths that I could choose that I would be blessed for choosing, it's only a matter of actually choosing then following through with it. I've thought a lot about my motives for serving, and it has taken a couple tries to figure it all out. Originally I was serving because I knew that is what God wanted me to do. He made it clear to me from the peace and comfort I felt with this decision. But other than that, I honestly had no idea why I was doing. In my Mission Prep class Brother Goodman, who served in Thailand as a missionary and a mission president and who absolutely loves everything about the country and the people, taught us to ask ourselves this question: Why am I doing? Yes, it is grammatically incorrect, but it is a vital question that should be asked regardless of what you are doing. So these past couple weeks I have been asking myself that question. Little by little the answers have come, but perhaps I was too stubborn seeing what I wanted to see and not what Heavenly Father would have me see.
I see now that in the beginning I was doing it for the not-quite-so-right reasons. I was choosing to serve to increase my testimony and faith, or to bless my present and future families. To be the first in my family to serve a mission. I wanted to do it to make my Heavenly and earthly parents proud of me. But then it hit me. These things are all results of the things that really matter in this life and the life to come: Jesus Christ and His Atonement that make it all possible. All blessings flow from Him who Redeemed my soul and made this life worth living. He is the one that enables me to become better and gives me the motivation to try again tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that until that great day when I get to stand before God and tell Him how I used this life to prepare myself to live with Him again. I'm amazed at the beauty of the life and love He gives to me regardless of the mistakes I make over and over again. Without Christ there would be no point in trying. Because He died for me I am given new life. Because He died for me I can repent of my sins, feel comfort during my trials, and sing the song of redeeming love when I know without a doubt that I have been forgiven. I find such great comfort in knowing that when I repent with a broken heart and a contrite spirit he will forgive me and remember my wrong-doings no longer. This is why I am serving. I am serving so people can feel that same love, comfort, and forgiveness that I have felt so often and probably even take for granted. I have felt to sing the song of redeeming love and I find such joy in knowing that all the things I am experiencing now are for my benefit. The refiner's fire never feels more satisfying than it does when I have the eternal perspective in mind.
I know that God has a plan for me and that it is more amazing than anything I could ever imagine even if it doesn't exactly seem so great all the time. It is okay to cry and to be discouraged, but don't let yourself get so low that Satan gains control over you. He knows your weaknesses just as much as our Heavenly Father knows them, but Satan will do anything to amplify them and make you feel bad about your situation. So kick him to the curb and tell him you're better than that! You are a child of God with divine potential that you will never compromise. It is not worth it to even entertain the thought. You have purpose. God loves you. Everything you are experiencing right now will be but a small moment and then you will have everlasting joy free from sorrow, sin, and sickness. Just be strong now and you will be rewarded for your efforts.
Something I had to realize is that salvation is not easy by any means - so why in the world did I think that preparing to bring others to Christ would be anywhere close to easy? I have been working on building my testimony and I have really been feeling the heat, if you will. I'm not going to lie, it has been really hard lately trying to figure everything out. I know that Satan is really working on me. When I feel like everything is going okay, it seems like there is a new obstacle in my way or the rug has been pulled out from underneath my feet leaving me in limbo - I haven't fallen completely yet but the potential to fall is still there. There has been a lot of uncertainty, stress, and frustration. The thoughts creep in my mind that make me doubt my abilities to live a mission life. School has been really hard on me this past week, and I have been more down on myself than I should have been and I wonder how I'm going to handle the stress of being a missionary and teaching the Gospel, being rejected and disappointed constantly, when I feel like I'm drowning and want to give up in the middle of the one bad midterm week of the semester. How am I going to do this? How can I go a full 18 months under extreme pressure and stress? It isn't going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it and I can tell you that much without a doubt. I can do all things through Christ and I know that I will not be given any trial or temptation that God does not think I am able to overcome. Thinking this isn't enough, but acting on it, living it, and learning it are. His grace is sufficient, even for me. As the book of Ether (Chapter 12) tells us in The Book of Mormon:
"6 And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.
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27 And if men come unto me I will show them their weakness. I give unto men weaknesses that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
To end, I just want to share this video that completely made my night, compliments of Nichelle and Jesse, my awesome visiting teachers. It pretty much sums up everything I hope to remember and what I also hope you will remember. He loves you and His grace is always sufficient. Regardless of the hardships and pains you may be facing now, they are all part of the plan and there are always good things to come.
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