Three Cheers for Two Years!

Today marks my 2 year mark since entering the MTC.   June 12, 2013... what a day to remember.  The beginning to the rest of my life, and I had no idea what to expect or what was to come in the next 18 months.  I've reflected back often on what I learned as a missionary in Thailand.  Some things I learned early on, and some things I didn't learn until my last transfer.  Here are a couple things that I truly internalized on my mission.  I do wish I had known these things earlier, but I learned through experience, and therefore they are now part of who I am.

I learned that...

...we don't need to be afraid.  Fear is something that even today continues to influence my decisions.  Fear almost kept me from going to Thailand.  Fear almost kept me from changing my major at the time that Heavenly Father knew was opportune but I couldn't yet see it.  Fear isn't something we should live by, because that is Satan's way of keeping us from reaching our true potential.  If I had doubted instead of choosing to believe that God knows best, I would not be where I am today.  I know that sounds cheesy and generic, but it's true.  I would be kicking myself

...dedication is far more important than exact obedience and perfection.  On my mission I learned that the flesh is indeed weak, while the Spirit is strong.  I tried to be obedient, but I do admit that there were times when I sacrificed what I really wanted in the future for what I wanted in the moment.  Most of the time I really desired to be obedient, yet I always seemed to fall short.  These times when I fell short, I remembered thinking that I was a complete failure of a missionary.  I remembered wondering why Heavenly Father would keep trying with me.  Obviously, I was a "lost cause" to him, right?  Even when I resolved to be better, I still stumbled at times.  What I didn't know then, was that Heavenly Father wants us to be dedicated to His work.  He doesn't want us to be perfectionists, but rather dedicated and faithful disciples of Jesus Christ.  And what more is a disciple (or saint) than a sinner that keeps on trying?


...getting wet is okay, as long as you are dancing in the rain.  I faced many trials during my mission, as do most missionaries.  I faced some with courage, and there were times when, I admit, I murmured.  I didn't understand God's timing, and I knew I was doing everything I could, and nothing was going right. After long prayers, and meaningful scripture study, I realized that what I needed most wasn't a miracle, necessarily.  What I really needed was an attitude change.  I thought I was entitled to some great miracle, when I wasn't even being appreciative of what God was already giving me.  You can't curse the rain, then be thankful for the rainbow.  To this day, I remember to be thankful in my trials, in the slow times, and in my darkest times, because I know that with each set-back, the rainbow to come only gets more beautiful.

...faith is trusting in God and in His timing.  This revelation came during one of the hardest parts of my second transfer, and it carried me through my entire mission, and still remains one of the most parts of my testimony.  I know that we always hear "Faith brings miracles" or "You can be healed if you have faith".  So...what happens when you don't receive the miracle or the healing?  Does that mean you are faithless?  No.  It only means that you need to exercise your faith by trusting God more than you ever have before.  Waiting upon the Lord is not as simple as it may seem; however, being patient does get easier with time.  Just because you don't see the outward manifestation of your faith, does not mean that God doesn't see you unfit or unworthy. Timing is everything, and with our mortal minds, we are incapable of understanding what God understands.  His thoughts are not our thoughts, neither are His ways our ways.  His way is better, and trusting and being patient are the best measures of your faith yet.

...sacrificing your mental, emotional, and physical health will not make you any better of a missionary. Taking the day off because you can hardly walk is acceptable.  Don't be afraid to let others see you be weak.  Being a missionary requires you to lose yourself in the service of God.  However, you will not be an effective servant if you are miserable the entire time.  Take time to unwind, and don't get bent out of shape when things don't go as perfectly as you imagined them to.  You're human.  Acknowledge that sometimes you will get sick, and sometimes you will be sad.  It's okay. Take a step back, let yourself heal, and then go forth with renewed strength.

...God called me to be ME, not my district leader, trainer, sister training leader, AP, or mission president.  He doesn't have a cookie-cutter standard for missionaries. People work differently, and we all have individual strengths.  If you have an impression that others think is ridiculous, all the better reason to go for it.  God knows you perfectly.  He knows you better than any leader, mission president, or companion ever will.  Therefore, He will give you opportunities for you to thrive, and also opportunities where you may not do as well.  Regardless of the turnout, God prepared that experience just for you so that you can more fully be the person He wants you to be.  I wish I hadn't wasted some of my precious time trying to make others happy instead of pleasing my Heavenly Father.  It doesn't matter what other people see or think, because we know that God sees and recognizes all our good works, and that is sufficient.

...I didn't realize how much I would miss my days as a missionary.  Honestly, there were some days that I wished were over as soon as the alarm clock went off.  There weren't many of these days, but I'm sure there times I could have lived with more gratitude in my heart.  What I wouldn't give to go back to even the hardest of days, just to feel like I did then.  I know now that each day is precious, and I won't waste my time waiting for tomorrow, because I can make and see miracles happen today.


Even though I was tried and tested beyond what I imagined, I wouldn't trade those 18 months in Thailand for anything.  I came to know my Heavenly Father and my Savior more than I ever thought I could.  I felt close to Heaven, and I saw miracles.  I sweat a lot, cried some, and praised God through it all.  No, I wasn't perfect, but I know that I did what God asked me to.  I did it because I love Him and my Savior Jesus Christ, and little did I know that I would be blessed this immensely.  I have a new family, new friends, and a greater ties to my Heavenly home.  I know that I was stubborn at times, and that it wasn't always easy, but I will never doubt that it was worth it.  Even though I didn't know these things when I started, I knew them by the time I finished, and they continue to carry me through each day.  Never doubt that God loves you and is aware of you.  He knows your needs, even before you ask for help.  I know He loves me, and that Jesus Christ died for me.  I know that He lives today, and stands at the head of this true church.  What great joy I had being His representative in Thailand, and I owe it all to Him.

Empty Spaces

There are some times that I just expect life to be peachy all the time.

But that's extremely unrealistic.

Coming home from any great experience requires a lot of adjustments.  I think for all people experiencing a major life change, there must be a great amount of soul-searching and personal revelation and evaluation.  Maybe things have changed - before you may have seemed so certain, and now what?  You have goals, but haven't actually considered the plans and investment it is going to take to get there.  So what do you do?

Lately, I'd been feeling empty.  Not from the lack of funds to buy food, or from the lack of sleep I know I am suffering from.  But really just spiritually empty.  There's was a hole, and I didn't know how to fill it.

Over the past 2 years, it seems as if I've learned the same lesson over and over again; but obviously I haven't internalized it as much as Heavenly Father would like me to yet.

I think it is natural to try to shun negative feelings of sadness or being lost.  Instead of trying to act like they don't exist, why not just admit them to ourselves and work through them instead?  These feelings are going to come up in life, and I promise they will last but a small moment (even if they do feel like an eternity sometimes).  This is not only my promise, but this is God's promise to us.

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
D&C 121:7-8

So I've come to grips with the feelings I am having; there's really no use in ignoring them.  There are changes going on in my life, and to be quite honest, I'm not sure how to handle all of them.  Sometimes I feel lost and alone; like a part of me was left behind in Thailand, and the rest of me is just confused.  However, that doesn't change the fact that I still have mountains to climb right here, right now.  Running away or returning to what is comfortable does not change the fact that God is refining me and has things for me to learn.  Change is good, because that is how we learn and grow.

I'm a hermit crab.  Yep, that's me.  I just got a new shell, and let's just say that it's kinda roomy in here.  Almost like an uncomfortable void - what am I supposed to do with all of it?  I had an equally uncomfortable shell placed on me 20 months ago, and now I've outgrown that one and I'm getting a new one. (To be honest, it's a miracle that I ever grew into that first one!) I forgot what it was like to have to change...I just got used to my missionary shell!  I was finally filling it out, and now I have to start all over again.  But you know what that means?  I'm progressing.  God saw that I was getting too cozy in my old shell, so He blessed me with a new one.  So this is the new and improved me - but I admit that I'm still adjusting.

So how do I fill all this empty space while I'm in the process of growing into my new shell?  What is going to fill the void that I feel is inside of me?

I did a brief search of the scriptures, and there are several things that I feel like can help the hungering soul.

First, my thoughts led me to the New Testament (and Book of Mormon) to the Sermon on the Mount. The Savior gives the Beatitudes, one of which is as follows:

"6 And blessed are all they who do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost." (3 Nephi 12:6)
Then I remembered the sermon given to the Samaritan woman:

"14 But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life." (John 4:14)

God has promised me many things, many wonderful blessings.  That is what I have hope for.  I have hope that God will keep His promises to me, and I have hope through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Through Him, we can do all things.  We can receive all the things that God has prepared for us individually.  Even when times get rough and the waves start to beat upon the sides of the ship, we can be sure that God is there with us. One of my favorite quotes from the MTC is this:

"When you feel like you are drowning, remember that your lifeguard walks on water."

Relying on Christ is the only way we will feel full and find satisfaction in life.  Change is inevitable, sometimes scary, and oftentimes we have to walk in the dark before we receive more light, but God won't let us fall.  Christ is the living water, the bread of life.  When we go unto Him, we can't help but to come away full.  This "fulness" does not mean that everything will be perfect, or that there won't be uncertainties in life, but it does mean that we don't have to be afraid, because God has a plan for us and His promises WILL be fulfilled.

Endless Hope

Thought you could get rid of me after my 18 month missionary service?

Think again.

Don't get me wrong, being a missionary in Thailand was the best thing that ever happened to me... but life doesn't stop.  It may be the best thing up to that point, but we gain new experiences daily, and I have so much more appreciation of life after serving the Lord and my brothers and sisters in Thailand.  I never thought I could love so many people in my entire life.

I have been thinking a lot about what I have learned most from my mission.  I came to the conclusion that if it was one thing that I really gained a testimony of, it was God's love for His children.  I felt His love daily, and even when I felt like I couldn't possibly love myself, I felt His love picking up all my broken pieces, mending me, healing me, forgiving me, and encouraging me.  The only times that I felt like I couldn't feel God's love are the times that I was just wallowing too much in my sorrow to realize that His love was all around me.

For those who have finished missions, I bet you will add to my witness that leaving is one of the hardest things you will ever do.  For me, I came to love the Thai people and the purposes of missionary work - something that felt so foreign and odd at first had become so tightly woven into my heartstrings.  It was so much that it felt like I had a gripping, anxious pain inside of me whenever I thought about leaving it.  I just really prayed to feel God's acceptance of my work in those last months and to just be able to accept the fact that I had no choice to go home.

I realize now why it was so hard:  Everything I know, everything that I am, and everything I desire in life, I learned on my mission.

I've mentioned it over and over again, and it never gets old.  President Uchtdorf said:

"...We are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny."

If that was true, why did I feel like I just couldn't go on?  Everything I had come to embrace and love were the things that I coudn't imagine my life void of.  I felt like once I left, things would never be the same.  I would never have an experience like that one again.  Perhaps I wouldn't see some of the people I loved ever again.  There was a lot of doubt and uncertainty as I coped with the feelings of leaving where had become my home.

While these things may be true, however, I was forgetting an essential part of God's plan: Hope.  I don't know God's plan, and I don't know where I'll be in the next year.  I don't know what it is going to happen, but hope is the one thing I can control.  It is the one thing that will keep me on track so that I actually do end up with God once again, just as He planned.

You would think that after having the greatest experience of my life, I would be easily and even giddy when it came to hope.  I've seen miracles.  I've seen lives changed for the better.  Those who refused to believe were touched by God's love and became a part of His family.  I spent 18 months on the other side of the world, completely out of my comfort zone.  I came home bilingual.  I should be invincible, right?  My family grew immensely, and my love for each of them expanded beyond comprehension.  When we didn't know what to do, we trusted God and kept going.  He never let us down.  How could it possibly be that hope is what I was lacking??

I didn't realize it at first that my lack of hope was the problem.  I realize now that I was afraid because ultimately I didn't know what lie ahead of me.  It was stepping into darkness once again.  It is exactly what it took to get me on a mission in the first place.  I remember being terrified and not knowing what to expect in the least.  Those exact feelings were presenting themselves once again, but this time after having been through the greatest experience of my life.

I look back now and I see the person I used to be.  I was content and complacent with where I was.  I had goals but I just assumed that somehow they would work themselves out with little effort on my part.  But now I see the changes that have happened in my life.  I see how much my testimony has grown, and I can't imagine being the person I used to be.  And that was what I was afraid of.  I was afraid that my progression would be stunted.  Somehow I believed that the things I had been doing my whole mission wouldn't be enough to keep me progressing after I left.

But have I told you lately how great God is?

Things were rough at first, but they have gotten so much better since then.  It really started looking up when I was finally able to go to the temple again for the first time in 18 months!  I was nervous, but I felt the most at home than I have since I've been home.  Just those few hours in the temple were enough to rejuvinate me and help me to see that all is well.  Here's what happened:

Normally when missionaries finish their service, they have an exit interview with the mission president.  One thing President Senior told us is that when we get home, we should go to the temple, do a session, then go to the Celestial room and report our missionary efforts to the Lord.  So that's what I did!  I felt so comfortable and extremely calm as the Spirit washed over me; even just walking onto the temple grounds brought a familiar Spirit back to me.

I remembered sitting with my Trainer, Sister Ng, during a hard time of our service together and just longing to go to the temple.  There was a feeling that accompanied us as we poured out our sincerest desires to the Lord in prayer.  Those are the feelings that I felt once again - the feelings that I missed.  I missed closeness with the Lord and even a longing to be in His presence once again.  The temple is the closest place we can get to His presence, and I wanted to be there more than anything.  Finally, after 18 months of dreaming of going again, I was home.

After the session was finished, we were brought into the Celestial room.  I remembered being in the MTC and going to clean the scances in the temple.  I marvelled at the beauty and cleanliness of the room, and thought of how clean and pure we must be to enter into the Lord's presence once again.  I found a chair, sat down, and began to pour out my heart to the Lord.  I reported my mission labors to Him.  The words flowed easier than normal because I felt so close to Him - like He was just sitting next to me.  I felt the calming assurance that He was proud of me and that I just needed to trust Him.  I felt like my mission on this earth was not over, and I was reminded once again that those things, such as temple blessings, relationships, and experiences, were eternal.  They may come to an end in this life, but never would God take those things away from us permanently.  These are things that bring us eternal happiness, and they are part of God's eternal plan to bring us true happiness.

I prayed for purpose and help in still being an instrument in God's hands even if I am not a set-apart missionary.  I finished my prayer, then started people watching.  I thought about how many prayers have been answered in this sacred room,  I saw everyone dressed in white, and I was thankful that God gives us temples to show us what our purpose in life is.  The temple gave me hope.  I saw people praying fervently, smiling with eternal joy, radiating with God's love.

Then it happened,  I saw a familiar face.  A Sister - a Thai sister whose area I never served in, but whom I had met on several occasions.  I saw her enter the room, and I found myself automatically walking towards her.  She saw me and we just hugged.  I couldn't help but to cry.  A heavenly answer from our Heavenly Father.  My love was expanded yet again for a daughter of God.  I couldn't believe how wonderfully brilliant God is and how far-reaching His love for each of us is.  He gave me hope that I still can be used as part of His plan to help His children be happy.  He still cares about me, and He is aware of me in every way.  How does He know??

We don't have to understand His plan to be part of it.
We don't have to know all that He has in store for us to receive it all.
We don't have to worry, fret, or stress about the future, because He's got it under control.
All the greatest things in life never end.

We just have to have hope that He knows what is best for us and will reveal it to us in due time.  :) Find hope in the eternal promises God has given you and always be worthy to qualify for those blessings.  God will make them happen.  Just have hope, there are great things to come!

I love you all.  It's good to be back.  :)
Amber