Think again.
Don't get me wrong, being a missionary in Thailand was the best thing that ever happened to me... but life doesn't stop. It may be the best thing up to that point, but we gain new experiences daily, and I have so much more appreciation of life after serving the Lord and my brothers and sisters in Thailand. I never thought I could love so many people in my entire life.
I have been thinking a lot about what I have learned most from my mission. I came to the conclusion that if it was one thing that I really gained a testimony of, it was God's love for His children. I felt His love daily, and even when I felt like I couldn't possibly love myself, I felt His love picking up all my broken pieces, mending me, healing me, forgiving me, and encouraging me. The only times that I felt like I couldn't feel God's love are the times that I was just wallowing too much in my sorrow to realize that His love was all around me.
For those who have finished missions, I bet you will add to my witness that leaving is one of the hardest things you will ever do. For me, I came to love the Thai people and the purposes of missionary work - something that felt so foreign and odd at first had become so tightly woven into my heartstrings. It was so much that it felt like I had a gripping, anxious pain inside of me whenever I thought about leaving it. I just really prayed to feel God's acceptance of my work in those last months and to just be able to accept the fact that I had no choice to go home.
I realize now why it was so hard: Everything I know, everything that I am, and everything I desire in life, I learned on my mission.
I've mentioned it over and over again, and it never gets old. President Uchtdorf said:
"...We are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny."
If that was true, why did I feel like I just couldn't go on? Everything I had come to embrace and love were the things that I coudn't imagine my life void of. I felt like once I left, things would never be the same. I would never have an experience like that one again. Perhaps I wouldn't see some of the people I loved ever again. There was a lot of doubt and uncertainty as I coped with the feelings of leaving where had become my home.
While these things may be true, however, I was forgetting an essential part of God's plan: Hope. I don't know God's plan, and I don't know where I'll be in the next year. I don't know what it is going to happen, but hope is the one thing I can control. It is the one thing that will keep me on track so that I actually do end up with God once again, just as He planned.
You would think that after having the greatest experience of my life, I would be easily and even giddy when it came to hope. I've seen miracles. I've seen lives changed for the better. Those who refused to believe were touched by God's love and became a part of His family. I spent 18 months on the other side of the world, completely out of my comfort zone. I came home bilingual. I should be invincible, right? My family grew immensely, and my love for each of them expanded beyond comprehension. When we didn't know what to do, we trusted God and kept going. He never let us down. How could it possibly be that hope is what I was lacking??
I didn't realize it at first that my lack of hope was the problem. I realize now that I was afraid because ultimately I didn't know what lie ahead of me. It was stepping into darkness once again. It is exactly what it took to get me on a mission in the first place. I remember being terrified and not knowing what to expect in the least. Those exact feelings were presenting themselves once again, but this time after having been through the greatest experience of my life.
I look back now and I see the person I used to be. I was content and complacent with where I was. I had goals but I just assumed that somehow they would work themselves out with little effort on my part. But now I see the changes that have happened in my life. I see how much my testimony has grown, and I can't imagine being the person I used to be. And that was what I was afraid of. I was afraid that my progression would be stunted. Somehow I believed that the things I had been doing my whole mission wouldn't be enough to keep me progressing after I left.
But have I told you lately how great God is?
Things were rough at first, but they have gotten so much better since then. It really started looking up when I was finally able to go to the temple again for the first time in 18 months! I was nervous, but I felt the most at home than I have since I've been home. Just those few hours in the temple were enough to rejuvinate me and help me to see that all is well. Here's what happened:
Normally when missionaries finish their service, they have an exit interview with the mission president. One thing President Senior told us is that when we get home, we should go to the temple, do a session, then go to the Celestial room and report our missionary efforts to the Lord. So that's what I did! I felt so comfortable and extremely calm as the Spirit washed over me; even just walking onto the temple grounds brought a familiar Spirit back to me.
I remembered sitting with my Trainer, Sister Ng, during a hard time of our service together and just longing to go to the temple. There was a feeling that accompanied us as we poured out our sincerest desires to the Lord in prayer. Those are the feelings that I felt once again - the feelings that I missed. I missed closeness with the Lord and even a longing to be in His presence once again. The temple is the closest place we can get to His presence, and I wanted to be there more than anything. Finally, after 18 months of dreaming of going again, I was home.
After the session was finished, we were brought into the Celestial room. I remembered being in the MTC and going to clean the scances in the temple. I marvelled at the beauty and cleanliness of the room, and thought of how clean and pure we must be to enter into the Lord's presence once again. I found a chair, sat down, and began to pour out my heart to the Lord. I reported my mission labors to Him. The words flowed easier than normal because I felt so close to Him - like He was just sitting next to me. I felt the calming assurance that He was proud of me and that I just needed to trust Him. I felt like my mission on this earth was not over, and I was reminded once again that those things, such as temple blessings, relationships, and experiences, were eternal. They may come to an end in this life, but never would God take those things away from us permanently. These are things that bring us eternal happiness, and they are part of God's eternal plan to bring us true happiness.
I prayed for purpose and help in still being an instrument in God's hands even if I am not a set-apart missionary. I finished my prayer, then started people watching. I thought about how many prayers have been answered in this sacred room, I saw everyone dressed in white, and I was thankful that God gives us temples to show us what our purpose in life is. The temple gave me hope. I saw people praying fervently, smiling with eternal joy, radiating with God's love.
Then it happened, I saw a familiar face. A Sister - a Thai sister whose area I never served in, but whom I had met on several occasions. I saw her enter the room, and I found myself automatically walking towards her. She saw me and we just hugged. I couldn't help but to cry. A heavenly answer from our Heavenly Father. My love was expanded yet again for a daughter of God. I couldn't believe how wonderfully brilliant God is and how far-reaching His love for each of us is. He gave me hope that I still can be used as part of His plan to help His children be happy. He still cares about me, and He is aware of me in every way. How does He know??
We don't have to understand His plan to be part of it.
We don't have to know all that He has in store for us to receive it all.
We don't have to worry, fret, or stress about the future, because He's got it under control.
All the greatest things in life never end.
We just have to have hope that He knows what is best for us and will reveal it to us in due time. :) Find hope in the eternal promises God has given you and always be worthy to qualify for those blessings. God will make them happen. Just have hope, there are great things to come!
I love you all. It's good to be back. :)
Amber
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